Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua
by Aquamarine Columbine
Summary: A collection of oneshots featuring Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and now Szayel and Nnoitra. Possibly others too. Humor, no pairings. .:Chapter 7 - Grimmjow starts a rock band! For real:. ABANDONED.
1. Professional Envy

**Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua**

**Word count: **149  
**Title:** Professional Envy  
**Date: **5/07/09  
**Summary: **The Espada find out the results of the latest character popularity poll.  
**Characters: **Espada  
**Spoilers: **Hueco Mundo arc…whichever part is with the Espada. But then again, if you're here, you probably know who Grimmjow-sama and Ulquiorra-dono are.

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I own neither Grimm-chan nor Ulqi-chan. Yet.

**Author's note: **This is the first in a series of Kami-knows-how-many drabble-oneshot-thingamies, featuring the two awesomest Espada.

**

"In 10th place, with 3,751 votes, is Ulquiorra!" Szayel announced, reading off the screen.

"Congratulations Ulquiorra!"

"Gee, top ten! I'm so jealous!"

Ulquiorra, however, was not as pleased as you would expect, even though he showed no outward sign of emotion. Unknown to all the other Espada, Aizen had told him and Grimmjow together that both of them had made it into the top ten. And, as he was only in tenth place, it could only mean…

"…4th place, with 4,987 votes, is Grimmjow!"

"Yeah!" Grimmjow howled. "How'd you like them apples, Ulquiorra?" he gloated.

"Speaking of which, where did he go?" wondered Stark with a yawn, as the other looked around, puzzled.

"He's probably jealous," snickered Grimmjow.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the monotonous depths of the West Wing, Ulquiorra was sitting on the bed, outwardly as emotionless as ever, but seething inside, glowering at the wall.

_Beaten by trash!!!_


	2. Friendly Inebriation

**Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua**

**Word count: **80  
**Title:** Friendly Inebriation  
**Date: **5/07/09  
**Summary: **"Operation Make Grimmy-chan and Ulqi-chan friends" is not going exactly as planned.  
**Characters: **Espada  
**Spoilers: **Hueco Mundo arc…whichever part is with the Espada. But then again, if you're here, you probably know who Grimmjow-sama and Ulquiorra-dono are.

**Disclaimer: **Sadly, I own neither Grimm-chan nor Ulqi-chan. Yet.

**Author's note: **Doncha just love drunk Espada(s)?

***

"You're a creepy emo clown!" giggled Grimmjow.

"Hic – trash!" slurred Ulquiorra.

Halibel sighed, the other Espada watching the two bickerers apprehensively. Whose idea was it to get them drunk, anyway?

Oh, yes. Yammy. Why did they even consider it?

"My ressureccion is better than yours!" Grimmjow blurted out suddenly.

"Wanna bet?" Ulquiorra retorted.

There was a sudden flare in reiatsu and Halibel had to duck a flying piece of concrete.

"Operation Make Grimmy-chan and Ulqi-chan friends" was a dismal failure.


	3. Washing the Dishes I

**Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua**

**Word count: **304  
**Title:** Washing the Dishes I: Bubbles and the Arrancar Union  
**Date: **9/07/09  
**Summary: **Ulquiorra and Grimmjow attempt to do the dishes.  
**Characters: **Espada  
**Spoilers:** Whichever part that has the Espada.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Ulquiorra, I'd be the happiest person in the world. Unfortunately, I don't and I'm not.

**Author's note: **1st part out of three….you know, I could've just posted the whole thing as one story, but well…I dunno. Enjoy.

**

They eyed the dirty dishes stacked up in front of them warily.

"Remind me," Grimmjow grumbled, "Why we're doing the dishes, when there are several hundred perfectly good Numeros running around Las Noches?"

Ulquiorra shook his head. "Something about a strike. Even Arrancar have their own Union, it seems. They're complaining about equal rights, and the fact that they're being used as test subjects in Szayel's experiments."

"Damn bastards," muttered Grimmjow. Ulquiorra privately agreed.

"Well,' the fourth Espada said, with the shadow of a sigh, "We better get started. Do you want to scrub the dishes, or wash and dry them?" Grimmjow stared at him blankly.

Ulquiorra really did sigh this time. "Your lack of brain power continues to amaze me, though I really shouldn't be surprised by now," he added dryly, much to Grimmjow's distaste.

"Alright. One of us has to wash the dirty dishes in hot, soapy water, and the other person has to rinse them with clean water, and dry them. Sound easy enough?" he couldn't resist adding.

Grimmjow swore under his breath, and said loudly, "I'll scrub them."

Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure? I thought cats hated water."

"No, I – hey, what did you just say?" Ulquiorra quickly sonido'd out of the way as a large (and potentially fatal) saucepan came flying at him. "Damn you," Grimmjow growled, then started to rummage around in the cupboard under the sink, searching for detergent. He emerged triumphantly, holding a bottle that read, 'Home brand dishwashing liquid.'

"Hueco Mundo's full of cheapskates," Grimmjow muttered, shaking the bottle to see if it had any left. With a frown, he flipped open the cap and looked into the bottle, squeezing it. He yelped with pain as a large, vibrant bubble flew into his eye, and thrashed around wildly, temporarily blinded.

Ulquiorra mentally facepalmed.

**

Yeah, I know that it's unusual of Ulqi to bait Grimmjow, but well...I couldn't resist. And being forced to do hundreds of dishes - something's gotta give, right?


	4. Washing the Dishes II

**Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua**

**Word count: **670  
**Title:** Washing the Dishes II: Hot Water and Bandages  
**Date: **9/07/09  
**Summary: **Ulquiorra and Grimmjow attempt to do the dishes.  
**Characters: **Espada  
**Spoilers: **Whichever part that has the Espada.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Grimmjow, I'd be extremely happy. Sadly, my mum won't let me keep a panther as a pet.

**Author's note: **Part two of three…and Grimmjow's day just keeps getting better…

**

Ulquiorra, who had been watching all this with a look of disinterest, mentally facepalmed. Picking up the bottle of liquid as it rolled towards him, he then proceeded to stroll over to the sink and elbow a whining Grimmjow out of the way. Muttering inaudibly, of which random phrases like 'incompetent idiot' and 'pull himself together' could be heard, he pulled on some nearby gloves and squirted copious amounts of soap into the sink, before blasting hot water in as well.

"Do me a favour, and makes yourself useful, trash," he said to the blue-haired Espada. "Rinse these in that sink over there." There really wasn't enough room to wash the dishes in the same twin-set of sinks.

Grimmjow scowled as best he could with one eye, but reluctantly went over to the sink in question, holding a whole lot of soapy dishes. He turned on the tap without thinking, and…

"Aaagggkkkkhh!" howled Grimmjow, clutching his burning hand. "Ghaaahhhh!"

Ulquiorra turned around sharply, and, seeing Grimmjow holding his hand in agony, said loudly, "Baka." He appeared next to the Sexta and grabbed his hand, shoving it under a flow of icy water. "Stay like that until the pain goes away," he advised, with a roll of his eyes. Trust Grimmjow to make the most simplest of tasks an extremely complicated affair. Honestly, they were _washing the dishes_.

Grimmjow whimpered slightly, but obliged, eyes watering. You had to feel sorry for the guy, though all Ulquiorra was capable of feeling at the moment was frustration and annoyance. He bustled around the kitchen, sonido'ing so rapidly that it made Grimmjow's head hurt to watch. Eventually he just stopped bothering, and concentrated on not concentrating on his throbbing hand.

Eventually, about twenty minutes later, Ulquiorra let out a silent sigh of relief. "Finished," he murmured, sinking gratefully into a nearby chair.

"No way, you're done?" Grimmjow exclaimed incredulously. Ulquiorra jumped, having forgotten that the other man was there. "Damn, that was fast." He sounded awestruck; maybe that hot water had done something to his brain.

"How's your hand?" Ulquiorra queried, and Grimmjow looked at it, rather as if he had forgotten about it.

"It hurts," said Grimmjow, stating the overly obvious.

"Just be grateful that you can still feel, and that the nerve endings haven't been damaged," was Ulquiorra's curt response as he got up to start searching through the cupboards.

"What're you looking for?"

"A first-aid kit."

"We have first aid kits?"

Ulquiorra turned to look at him with his deadpan stare, though there was a distinct 'You have got to be kidding me' look on his face. He stared at Grimmjow for several moments longer, then continued rummaging around. "Tousen insisted on having them."

"'Bout the only worthwhile thing he's done," muttered Grimmjow, and they lapsed into silence, except for the steady _slosh_ of the water and the occasional _thump_ from Ulquiorra's efforts.

Eventually the Cuatro emerged, holding something resembling a briefcase, with a plus on it. Opening it on the edge of the sink, he took out a sterile non-adhesive dressing. "Which part got scalded?" he asked. Grimmjow took his arm out of the stream of water.

"That part," replied Grimmjow, pointing to his forearm. Ulquiorra raised his eyebrows ever so slightly.

"May I ask how you managed to burn your forearm but not your hand?"

Grimmjow grunted. "Just bandage it," he growled. Ulquiorra complied silently, applying a roller bandage, which he wrapped around Grimmjow's arm and fastened with a safety pin. ("Ow! God, you pricked me!" "Don't be such a baby.")

"Where'd you learn how to do that?" asked Grimmjow when Ulquiorra had finished, sounding puzzled.

"Aizen-sama held a first-aid training session a while ago," Ulquiorra replied, packing the case away. "You and Nnoitra were both too drunk to participate, so we used you as practice dummies instead."

"O-oh," Grimmjow oh'd. "So that's why I woke up mummified."

Ulquiorra shook his head as they (finally) left. When it came to idiocy, Grimmjow was truly King of the trash heap.

**

Yeah, I had to do a bit of research on this. Remember: this fic is not a substitute for proper medical training!


	5. Washing the Dishes III

**Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua**

**Word count: **240  
**Title:** Washing the Dishes III: Chores and Wills  
**Date: **9/07/09  
**Summary: **Ulquiorra and Grimmjow attempt to do the dishes.  
**Characters: **Espada  
**Spoilers: **Whichever part that has the Espada.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned all the Espada, I'd start an Arrancar museum. eBay, anyone?

**Author's note: **Third and final part! What will be the fate of out two favourite Espada?

**

_A week later_

"…and so, I'm sure everyone will agree that Ulquiorra and Grimmjow should be the ones to continue doing the dishes, as they did it so well last time," concluded Aizen.

Grimmjow's eyes widened as he looked at Aizen in outrage. "But Aizen-sama," he protested, "seeing as we did the best job, shouldn't someone else have to do it?" He caught Ulquiorra's eye, who mouthed '_We?_'' indignantly.

"I think it's only fair that those who are best at a job should get to do it," Tousen put in.

"Then it's settled. Ulquiorra and Grimmjow will do the dishes until we've settled an agreement with the Numeros."

Grimmjow, however, still had one last ace up his sleeve. "Aizen-sama, my arm's burnt. I can't do the dishes."

"Then I'm sure Ulquiorra will be perfectly capable of doing them on his own. Won't you, Ulquiorra?"

"Oh, of _course_, Aizen-sama."

Throughout the rest of the meeting, Grimmjow felt Ulquiorra's furious glare on him. It was at this point that he started making his will.

**

Ta da! There, done, completio. For this 3-part story, I mean. There _will _be more.

Just to tie a few loose ends up: all of the Espada got paired up and had to do the dishes throughout the week; Nnoitra broke Szayel's glasses, and is currently nowhere to be found, though there are reports of various Espada hearing screams from deep inside Szayel's lab.

And of course Aizen-sama has complete faith in his _real_ number one Espada.


	6. Birthday Tidings

**Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua**

**Word count: **279  
**Title:** Birthday Tidings  
**Date: **18/07/09  
**Summary: **It's Ulquiorra's birthday. Yay!  
**Characters: **Esparta  
**Spoilers: **Whichever part that has the Espada.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Ulqi-chan, do you think I'd need to write fanfiction?

**Author's note: **I feel sorry for Ulquiorra, but it's just too darn fun torturing him! Happy birthday Ulqi!

**

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU…"

Who was making that infernal racket?

"…HAPPY BIRTH-DAY DEAR ULQI-CHAN…"

Whoever it was, they couldn't sing.

"…HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOOOOOOOOOU!!"

"Shut the hell up, Grimmjow!"

"Don't be a wet blanket, Szay-chan!"

"_Szay-chan_?" came Szayel's indignant screech. "What's with the corny nicknames?"

"They're not corny – they're unique!" There was a loud _bang _as Ulquiorra's door was flung open, and the strangled squawk of a kazoo.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY ULQI-CHAN!" Grimmjow bellowed as he burst into the room.

Ulquiorra pulled his pillow over his head. "Don't call me Ulqi-chan."

"Aww, don't be like that Ulqi-chan! It's your birthday, in case you forgot!"

Ulquiorra fired a luminous green cero in the general direction of the Sexta Espada's head.

"Ha – missed me. Anyway, the party's in the meeting room. We've got party crackers and everything!"

Ulquiorra sat up (he still managed to look immaculate despite the fact that he had just woken) and glared at Grimmjow. "You _know _how much I hate my birthday," he growled.

The other just grinned. "Exactly why I'm celebrating it." He paused before giving a loud _toot _on his squawker, the paper part whacking the unfortunate birthday Espada in the face. "I hope you like celery and grape cake," he added, slamming a green glistening party hat onto Ulquiorra's head. With that, he jumped up, and strode out of the room, singing "For he's an emo Es-pa-da" at the top of his lungs, much to Szayel's annoyance.

Ulquiorra fell back onto his bed with a sigh. Maybe he'd go to the party, if only to see what they had gotten him. Though hell if he was touching any of Orihime's cooking.


	7. Rock Legends

**Green and Blue: Shades of Aqua**

**Word count: **667  
**Title:** Rock Legends  
**Date: **11/08/09  
**Summary: **Grimmjow starts a rock band! For real.  
**Characters: **Grimmjow, Ulqiorra, Szayel and Nnoitra  
**Spoilers: **Whichever part that has the Espada.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Bleach, I'd...I dunno. I'll never get a chance to find out.

**Author's note: **Dedicated to and inspired by the awesome star-stickies :D

**

"You're probably wondering why I've got you all gathered here today," Grimmjow addressed the assembled group of three Espada, plus himself.

"No, not really," mumbled Szayel, not looking up from his book, _101 ways to Dissect A Cat, Bat or Rat_.

Grimmjow coughed. "Well, I won't keep you lot waiting any longer-"

"Oh goody. We were just about to _die _of boredom," Nnoitra interrupted in a bored voice.

Grimmjow gave up all attempts to sound professional and announced flatly, "I'm starting a band - and it sure as hell ain't gonna be a one-man band."

Ulquiorra raised an eyebrow. "A band? Are you asking _us_?"

"No, I'm just telling you for no reason!" Grimmjow answered sarcastically. "What the hell do _you _think? Duh! So - are you in or out?"

Szayel frowned, looking up, appearing to be deep in thought. "What instruments would we be playing?"

Grimmjow shrugged. "I dunno. Guitar? Can anyone here actually play?"

"I can play drums," Nnoitra put in, miming playing an invisible drum kit. "Ba dum cha!"

"I play piano," Szayel said, looking at Nnoitra strangely. "And I suppose that that can be adapted to an electric keyboard."

Ulquiorra shrugged. "I'll play guitar - lead or bass, it doesn't really matter."

"So who's going to be the lead singer?" Szayel asked, slipping in a bookmark and putting the book down. "I'd say myself, but..." he trailed off.

"You can't sing, can ya?" smirked Nnoitra.

"Shut up! You can't either - singing in the shower like a dying hyena doesn't count!"

"I'll sing," offered Ulquiorra. "I _did _get my own recording session."

"He's _still _going on about the Bleach Beats," Nnoitra scoffed.

"Oy, I think you're forgetting, I got a recording session too!" Grimmjow protested. "AND it was _my _idea to start the band anyway."

Sensing an argument coming on, Szayel hastily offered a compromise: "Why don't you both sing?"

"Fine," huffed Grimmjow. "That is, if Emo boy here's okay with it." Ulquiorra scowled, but nodded wordlessly.

"Excellent," Szayel said jauntily. "Now, all we have to d-"

"I'm lead singer," Grimmjow cut across. "I don't care watcha say - I made the band, and it's gonna be done _my way_."

Nnoitra stood up, towering above the others, all of whom were sitting. "_What didya say?_"

"I said that we're doing this _my way_, like it or not!"

Szayel could have screamed - sometimes the Espada seemed more like four-year-olds than the reincarnated members of Aizen's army.

"What about a name?" said Ulquiorra sullenly, and the three others all turned to look at him. Funny, really, how he could do that - silence a whole room of bickering idiots with his mere _presence_. Ulquiorra was a walking mute button.

"A what?" asked Nnoitra dully.

"A _name_," Ulquiorra repeated coldly. "The band needs a name."

"What about _Protozoa_?" Szayel suggested.

"Prota-whata?"

"It's used to refer to a single-celled microorganism; for example, the amoeba _Shigella _is responsible for causing the disease dysentery."

"Uh...yea. Thanks for the chemistry lesson."

"Biology, actually." Szayel looked affronted.

"No, that name sucks," said Grimmjow dismissively. "I bet _Yammy _could come up with a better one."

"What about ACDE?" Nnoitra asked. "Annoying Crazy Disruptive Espada?"

"Hell no!"

"_Blue Day_," Grimmjow said firmly. "Like I said, I get the last word."

"God, who died and made _you _King?"

After much discussion, they finally decided on the name _Esparta_, even though Grimmjow remarked, "_Blue Day_ still sounds cooler."

**

**Omake:**

"Dum dum cha! Ba-dum dum cha!" Nnoitra happily played his imaginary air-drum kit, while Szayel and Ulquiorra quietly discussed songs they could possibly perform. Grimmjow was sitting cross-legged on the floor, tuning his guitar.

"Here, Szayel," he called, "could you pass us the G string?" Three heads turned to stare at him with varying degrees of shock. Grimmjow stared back for a moment, confused, before the penny dropped and he scowled at them.

"I meant the _guitar string_! God, minds outta the gutter, perverts!"

"Yeah, like _you can talk_," muttered Nnoitra, handing it over.

**

I had a LOT of fun writing this...can you tell?


End file.
